Letters to Hell
by DiTab1
Summary: Sam is alone, really alone, for the first time in his life. The only person he could ever count on is gone. So he does what he's always done, he talks to his brother in the only way he can. Finally completed! Enjoy & Bring Tissues if/when you read!
1. Day 1

**Warnings: Minor spoilers for ABHL through Lazarus Rising. Rated T for language. **

**Summary: Sam is alone, really alone, for the first time in his life. The only person he could ever count on is gone. Therapy would help but who has the time, money or commitment? So he does what he's always done, he talks to his brother in the only way he can.**

**A/N: I'm sure it's probably been done but the muse cannot be denied. She insists that these letters need to be written so I will add new days as time goes on. Reviews are like pistachios…one is never enough!**

Day 1

Dear Dean,

Wow…I just realized how stupid that sounds, "Dear Dean". It's not as if I'm off at camp or something sending home letters to the family. I wish our lives were as mundane as that. Damn…now that I'm sitting here, staring at this blank paper, I'm not really sure where to start…how to start. There was a time in my life when I thought that I had been through the worst pain I could ever suffer. Today proved me wrong.

It's not like I've never known loss. While I was away from you and Dad I practically built my world around Jessica. I really believed that someday we would get married, have kids, grow old together. I never told you but, in the bottom of my duffel, sewn into the material so it can't fall out and get lost, is the ring I bought to propose. I was planning on asking her the night I got my acceptance to Law School. Pipe dreams, I know. I should have listened to Dad, I know that now. The Winchester boys were never meant for that kind of life.

I thought I would die the night that Jess was killed. Hell, I thought I _should_ die that night. You knew I had nightmares after Jess but what I couldn't tell you was that it wasn't just the grief that caused them. See, when we got back to Stanford that night, I had already decided that I was going to put law school on hold. I knew you were alone and you needed me and really, Dean, how could I ever turn my back on you? You took care of me my whole life. You never asked for a single thing in return. How could I say no the first time you needed me?

I just needed to go back, explain to Jess, hope she would understand why I had to leave. I was too ashamed to tell you that when I felt the first drops of her blood on my face I was lying on our bed thinking of just how I was going to break it to her. I figured once we found Dad I could come back and we could pick up where we left off. I even considered giving her the ring that night just to show her that I really did intend to come back…at some point. As she was dying I was trying to come up with a way to walk out on her that wouldn't make me look like a dick. So, yeah, I had nightmares. Sometimes they were full of the loss I felt knowing I'd never hold her again…sometimes they were full of the guilt I still carry today for not being there when she needed me.

Then we lost Dad. It's still hard to accept the fact that he is gone. Sometimes, when my cell goes off, I still expect to hear his voice on the other end of the line telling me that he's going to be late getting back…again. I won't lie to you, his death hurt, a lot more than I ever expected it to. But, I always knew that you felt his absence so much more deeply than I did. Damn it Dean, sometimes I really wish you would just talk to me. Did you think I couldn't see how much it was killing you? How you felt responsible, just like you always did for everything that ever went wrong? I swear, when you get back I'm not going to let that bullshit go on any longer. I think that after this you've done your part and you deserve to take a break from carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Next time, you let me carry the load for awhile…

Losing Jess and Dad were both devastating but neither of them prepared me for what I had to do today. Today…I buried my best friend. I know it's not forever, I _will _find a way to get you back, but that didn't make it any easier. I know Bobby thinks I'm losing my mind. He was adamant that we should salt and burn your body. SOP after all. Wouldn't want something walking around in a Dean suit…been there, done that eh? But, I finally convinced him. When I get you out of there you are going to need a body to come back to and we both know that you wouldn't settle for anything less than the perfection that is Dean Winchester. After all, how would all your female fans know it was you when you got into town if you had to wear someone else's face?

Seriously though, I know you don't want me doing anything stupid. Yeah, you made that clear enough but…if you think for one second that I'm not going to do anything and everything in my power to bring you back from this…

Dean… how can you not know how much I need you?

I don't know how to do this alone; I don't want to know how.

When I put you in the ground today…I felt something break inside of me. You're the only one who can fix it. You have always been there to take care of me. I can't believe I used to resent that, you were always such a big brother, never letting me do anything for myself. God damn it Dean…I'd give anything to have you here trying to take care of me right now. I need you back here…with me.

Please don't be mad…I have to do this. It's my fault you got into this mess in the first place. I have everything I need to call her out. There has to be some way to make a better deal. Hopefully, by this time tomorrow…

For you and only you…

Sammy


	2. Day 2

**A/N: As much as I'd love to own these boys…you know the drill. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure the boys would want to be owned by someone who tortures them so… *sigh* Enjoy and please drop me a note if you are finding the journey worth taking with me!**

Dean,

I don't know what's going on. Nothing seems to be the way it is supposed to be. I went out to the crossroads today… What kind of a crossroads demon won't make a deal? I mean, damn it, isn't that what they do? Please tell me this isn't something you did. Tell me that you didn't make this a condition of your deal. I get that you couldn't try to get out of it before but, Dean, the deal was completed right? You took your year and you went to Hell, end of deal. Now that all of the conditions of the deal have been met I should be able to bargain!

I refuse to believe that there isn't a demon out there that would be willing to work something out. We've pissed off enough of them that they should be chomping at the bit to get a piece of either of us. Don't go thinking that one stubborn demon is going to stop me either. Just because that bitch wouldn't deal doesn't mean I'll stop trying. There are plenty of crossroads out there and plenty more demons to bargain with. I'll just have to figure out something to offer that they can't pass up…

I tried to get Bobby to help me but as soon as he heard that I'd gone out there he started screaming at me about how stupid I was being…how pissed you would be… He may have given up on you but that isn't an option for me. If he can't see that getting you back isn't a choice, it's an inevitability, then screw him. I may love him like a father but I won't listen to him if he won't see the truth.

Dean…I don't think I could ever tell you how much I miss you. There aren't words to describe the way I feel when I look over and you're not there. Know what I did today? Talk about dumb… I went out this morning to get coffee. Just like any other day. Nothing unusual there. It wasn't till I was halfway back to the motel that I realized I had gotten you a cup too. When I saw that extra cup I just started to shake. I had to pull over to the side of the road and wait it out.

It comes out of nowhere like that. I'm never sure what will set it off. I was getting dressed this morning and grabbed one of your shirts by mistake. The next thing I knew I was on the bed…just sitting…and holding that shirt. I could see everything in my mind. I could see you getting torn apart on that floor. See the blood. See the flat, dead look in your eyes. God, I don't know how much more of this I can take. Please, Dean…please…hold on. I swear I will get you out of there.

I called Ellen today. Bobby offered to do it but…it was my job. You would have done it for me. She cried when I told her what happened. Can you believe it? Ellen! Cried! I never thought I'd see the day. She really loves you ya know. She may pretend to be all hard and aloof but… She's going to break the news to Jo. I'm sorry Dean… I just couldn't do that. After Ellen I didn't think I'd make it through talking to Jo. I never was as strong as you…

Didn't sleep much last night. I never realized just how quiet a motel room could be without your snoring! Yeah, yeah… I know… you don't snore. You just keep telling yourself that. When I did fall asleep, well… you don't need to hear about the nightmares. My nightmares can't be anything in comparison to the nightmare you are suffering through because of me.

Don't be pissed but, well, I picked up a bottle of JD today. I know, whiskey has never been my drink of choice but…well, it reminded me of you and I thought it might help me sleep. Before you even start, I don't need a lecture about drinking. And no, warm milk and a bubble bath isn't going to cut it, Jerk. Remember that shirt I told you I almost put on…if you dare make jokes about this when you get back you will wish I'd left you in Hell… it's under my pillow. Sounds dumb but, it smells like you and…I guess I thought that, maybe, between the taste of the whiskey and having your scent so close to me…just maybe I could trick my mind into thinking you're here long enough to get some sleep.

I'm so tired Dean, so damn tired. I'm trying, really I am… I don't know how you do it. How did you spend so long on your own when Dad went missing? It's only been two days since you left me and I'm already falling apart. Guess it just proves how much I need my big brother. Well…I hear a shot glass calling my name…I don't think I've told you lately but…I love you Dean.

Always,

Your Sammy


	3. Day 3

**A/N: Wow…this story seems to be touching something in people and I can't tell you how much that means to me. I will try not to let you all down! Keep the feedback coming – it just inspires me to keep typing!**

**Standard Disclaimer: Blah blah blah ownership blah blah Kripke blah blah genius… **

D.,

Got a late start today. Learned an important lesson last night. If you drink enough whiskey you can find a truly mellow and peaceful place in your mind. Probably why you like it so much. Of course, if you keep drinking once you are in that place it's a fast and slippery slide into the bottom of the bottle. Do you know what lives in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey? (Probably a dumb question…you've seen your share of them.) The most dangerous demon of them all. One who was happy to bargain with me, happy to bring you back to me…just not in the way I'd thought… Memory.

You never know just what strange items have stuck in your subconscious till that drunken demon comes for a visit. Not a demon that you can exorcise easily either. God knows I gave it a shot. Of course, after a fifth of whiskey it's just as likely I was singing the hokey pokey in Latin as it was that I was actually getting the exorcism words out.

Have one too many shots and suddenly you are thinking about things that haven't popped into your head in years. Like… remember when I was, oh… I think I was around six and we were staying in that crappy motel (yeah I know…they're all crappy) just outside of Augusta? We were playing hide and seek in the field out back of the motel. Dad was late back from a job, as usual, and now I realize that you were just trying to keep me occupied so I wouldn't pick up on how worried you were.

I just knew I'd found the perfect hiding place when I saw that peach tree. I was so careful climbing up onto that branch. I remember there were just enough leaves and blossoms to hide me pretty well from sight. Who knew I was allergic to peach tree blossoms? I can remember feeling that sneeze come on and trying sooo hard not to let it out. I knew you were close…if I could just hold it in a few more seconds you would pass right by me.

Well, we both know how that turned out. One massive sneeze and one broken branch later and I found myself on the ground, in pain, with a fractured wrist. And, let me think, who was it that picked me up and carried me back to the room? Who was it that gently set that same wrist in splints and then carefully wrapped the whole mess while keeping me from screaming my head off by making me sing that damn theme song from the Transformers cartoon over and over?

You kept telling me that I wasn't getting the robot voice right and making me try again, remember? I was soooo obsessed with the Transformers. Do you remember how I used to hide behind trees or bushes or whatever was handy trying to catch the Impala changing into some cool robot? I was so sure that a car as awesome as Dad's had to have been an Autobot.

Any other big brother probably would have teased me and told me how dumb it was to believe such a thing…but not you. You told me that it did change, but just for Dad, when he needed help on a job. You even painted the Autobot logo on the back bumper when Dad wasn't looking…he blistered your ass for that one…but I never knew why you were in trouble. Even while you were getting punished you still managed to make Dad promise not to tell.

By the way…mental note…the Transformers theme song… not the best thing to get stuck in your head when drinking.

The fact is that you, at ten years old, were taking care of me…fixing me… and it didn't seem strange in the least. Wasn't the first time that you took care of some injury I got from being careless or stupid...or just plain clumsy. You shouldn't have had to be the one to do that. You were just a kid yourself…or should have been. I guess the truth is you never were a kid. You never had the time to be.

Other kids…normal kids, had a Mom to take care of their bumps and bruises. Did Mom ever take care of you like that? Is that how you always knew the right thing to do…to say…to make it all better? God, I hope you have at least one good memory of Mom kissing away your pain… I know you couldn't have picked up that instinct from Dad. You know I loved him but, how shall I say it, the man wasn't going to win any awards for his nurturing instincts. It's always kind of amazed me that you came away from your childhood relatively unscarred…at least on the outside.

There are so many things I wish I could go back and change. So many times I saw that look of fear and worry in your eyes because of something stupid I had done. I wish that that bastard had just killed me that night instead of Mom. So many lives could have been different.

Yeah, Memory…she can really work a number on you. You should have memories of playing in the yard with your puppy (instead of sitting watch over your little brother with a sawed off shotgun), of Mom teaching you to dance so you could ask out that cute girl in your class (instead of getting lap dances from some young mom who was trying to make enough tips to send her kid to a private school), of Dad teaching you to drive in some empty parking lot (instead of being thrown in the driver's seat while being chased by a pack of angry vamps so Dad could take shots out the window).

Last night I would have given anything to stop the memories…to have just been able to drift off into oblivion, even if it was only for a little while. But today, today it's a different story. I realized that these memories may be all I have to get me through till I find a way to get you back. So, I'm going to hold on to every detail I can. There's a fresh bottle of Jack on the counter and I'm ready for another heart to heart with that demon…

The more I think about it; maybe I've had this all wrong. Maybe she isn't a demon after all… If she brings you back to me, even if it's just in my mind…then she's an Angel in my book… I'll take whatever I can get. I miss you Dean.

Love you,

S.

**A/N: For those who are following my other ongoing fic "We'll Find A Way", have no fear, I haven't given up on the story. A new chapter is in the works. I just keep getting sidetracked by these one shots and mad plot bunnies that keep crowding my keyboard, promise to update it soon!**


	4. Day 4

**A/N: Thank you again to everyone who has tagged an alert, favorited this story and/or left a review. I try to respond to each review so if I haven't gotten to you yet I will! Knowing that people are enjoying this story and finding new reviews really makes my day. **

**Disclaimer: Kripke's sandbox, just building my own castles with the boys. **

Dean,

It's been a long day but I'm optimistic. I found some information about a text that might have a ritual summoning that supposedly can pull any soul back to its earthly vessel. From what I've managed to dig up, the components are a bit obscure but, I figure with Bobby's help, I should be able to get them together. I just need to get my hands on the Reali Codex to verify the ritual.

From what I was able to put together the Codex was last owned by Jonas Milton. It seems that Jonas was a recluse who lived just outside of Ogdensburg, WI. He died five years ago leaving no living relatives. I pulled a copy of his will and found some interesting reading. It seems that Jonas may have had his own plans for using the Codex. His will specified that his body be buried in a small cemetery he had had prepared on the grounds of his estate.

He left the estate to a Sarah Langer. It looks as if she and Jonas had been living together out on the old family property. She has been living on the estate since his passing. If Jonas was planning on using the ritual, Sarah would be the obvious choice to perform it. I wasn't able to find any information on Sarah prior to her appearance in Ogdensburg fifteen years ago. It's almost as if she didn't exist before then.

I drove out to the estate this evening and took a quick look around. The land has been in the Milton family for a few hundred years and it doesn't look as if anyone from the family had ever had any interest in being a part of the community. Tall iron gates at the end of the driveway seal off a seven foot high stone fence that runs completely around the property. I managed to get on the property but it wasn't easy.

I located the cemetery and it doesn't appear as if Jonas' grave has been disturbed…yet. I'm thinking that either Sarah is having some trouble getting the components needed for the ritual or she never believed in it in the first place and has no intention of performing it. Either way, I'm fairly certain the Codex is still in the house somewhere. I'm going to try going out there in the morning and see if I can get Sarah to talk to me.

I'm not holding my breath. Local gossip is that she's as crazy as a loon. She never leaves the estate and isn't exactly big on visitors. From what they say the house doesn't even have electricity or telephones. Apparently it hasn't been renovated since it was originally built.

There are a bunch of stories of strange happenings out there but I'm not sure yet if something is going on or if it's just typical small town paranoia. Standard stuff really, animals going missing, strange sounds coming from the property at night… Well standard up until Jonas' death.

I pulled his death certificate and the cause of death is listed as undetermined. Apparently he just dropped one day for no discernable reason. The coroner's report said that Sarah found him in the hallway outside of their bedroom, just sitting on the floor with his back against the wall like he got tired and sat down to rest. Coroner ran the standard tests and couldn't find any obvious foul play. With no living relatives there wasn't any push for further investigation.

Welcome to Backwater Wisconsin, population 223. One stoplight in the center of town, no coffee shops, no fast food, oh yeah…and no motels. I'm renting a room in this little boarding house just inside the town line. On the plus side there is a great café in Ogdensburg. You would love it. The owner, Sadie, makes her desserts fresh every morning. We'll have to drive through here sometime so you can try her Apple Raisin Pie.

I had a lot of time to think today. It was a long drive to Wisconsin and there isn't much to look at along the way. I tried listening to music but the radio stations out here don't have the most eclectic selection which only left your cassette tape collection. Somehow I just couldn't bring myself to pop in a tape. Every song I'd hear would just remind me of you…

Why'd you do it Dean? What makes you think that your life is worth so little? I just don't understand. I'm trying to, honest to God I am, but I just keep coming back to the same questions over and over. I know Dad put a lot of pressure on you; I know he made you feel responsible for me. But, dude, at what point did you start thinking that my life was worth more than yours?

I just can't figure it. What the hell have I done that is so great? What could make my existence so much more important than yours? We both know who I am…what I am. Maybe my taking that knife to the back was meant to be. Did you ever stop and think of that? Maybe that was God's way of making sure that I would never give in to the temptation that's running through my veins. Yeah, I know, you don't believe in God, but, damn it Dean, I do. I have to.

You are so much better than I am, you always have been. You are the strong one, the protector…the savior. When I think of all the people who have counted on you… What would they have done if you hadn't been there? How many people are in danger right now so that I can be here? People that you might have been able to help but now…

God Dean, sometimes I get so damned angry at you. Did you ever stop and think what this would do to me? How I would feel knowing you were suffering in who knows what kind of hell while I'm driving around, seeing the sites and eating pie? It just seems so damn pointless. You are the one who should be here, not me. I never asked you to do this…I would _never_ ask you to do this. Don't you think that after everything that you've sacrificed for me that I would have been happy to give my life for you?

I'm so messed up right now. I don't know what I want more… to kick your ass or grab onto you and never let go. Sometimes I just want to scream I'm so pissed at you…then I want to crawl in a hole somewhere and die…what kind of person would be angry at someone who gave their life for them? That's the kind of person you died to protect.

When I think about the possibility that I may never get you back…no, I can't think about that. This is _going_ to work. I'll get my hands on that book tomorrow and hightail it to Bobby's. Shouldn't take more than a day or two to get all the components together and then…then I guess I'll find out which I want to do more. To be on the safe side, be prepared, I'll probably kick your ass first. I hate this so much Dean… the first thing you are going to do when you get back is swear to me that you will never leave me alone like this again… I don't think I could survive this again… not so sure I'm doing that great of a job surviving it this time…

I'll _never_ give up on you big brother…

Sam


	5. Day 5

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating, had to put together a new chapter for my other Fic. Thank you again to all the readers who are sticking with me through this. Hearing that I made you cry makes me feel better about crying while I write. I love you guys! Keep the comments coming; they help justify the torture I put myself (and Sam) through with each new letter! **

**Disclaimer: Kripke's sandbox, just building my own castles with the boys. **

D.,

Emm… to start with I'm ok. Really. Don't get freaked out. What's that old line from that Monty Python movie you love so much? Oh yeah… "It's just a flesh wound." Seriously, couldn't let a week go by without some new scar to show for it. Chicks dig scars after all.

So here's what happened. I went out to the Milton estate. I won't go into the details but suffice it to say I found a way in. The rumors weren't off target. The place was like stepping into a time machine. Not a light bulb or telephone in sight. The whole place was lit with those old fashioned lanterns.

You remember how I said I couldn't find any information on Sarah that was more than fifteen years old? Yeah, I found out why. I also found out the real cause of death for Jonas. Doesn't surprise me that the coroner couldn't make a determination; I doubt the poor guy had much experience in this area. Both questions are answered in one word: Succubus.

It seems that somehow Jonas became the object of affection around fifteen years ago. Sarah/Succubus must have taken a real liking to the guy because she promptly moved herself into his home and took up shop. She must have been draining him slowly for years. I don't know what finally sent her over the edge but she went too far one night and Jonas paid the price.

Since his death she has been living off the homeless and runaway wanderers. Plenty of those in a small town. Guys just looking for a quick bit of work to pay for a meal. Easy prey really. And since they have no ties, no one missed them. There had to be a dozen bodies in the cellar. Guess she wasn't as attached to them as she was to Jonas. I got the feeling she has been trying to find a long term replacement but wasn't exactly satisfied with her choices.

Enter Sam Winchester…magnet to the psychotic and supernatural women of the world. I wish I could figure out exactly what it is that attracts them…maybe the demon blood? Of course, it could just be my rugged good looks and winning personality. Hmm… Maybe I'll ask Bobby to do some research and see if he can find any link between demon blood and animal magnetism.

Anyway, I wasn't in the place long before I started to get that creepy feeling like I was being watched. You know the one…where the hair on the back of your neck starts to stand up. She was obviously biding her time and watching to see what I was doing in the house. Standard operating procedure, figured I'd start at the bottom and work my way up. Finding the stairs to the cellar wasn't that difficult. As soon as I opened the door I knew we were in trouble. Once you've smelled decaying flesh you never forget it.

I did a quick scout and found where she disposed of her midnight snacks. Couldn't tell right off though what had taken them out. But, with that many bodies I wasn't taking any chances. I was glad I'd brought along Ruby's knife. Once I cleared the cellar I headed back up to the main floor.

I found the library, and let me tell you, Bobby would have been drooling over the wealth of books. Looks like Jonas and Bobby had similar taste in material. There were texts in that room that I had only heard about in rumors. So, I'm going through the shelves trying to find the Codex… How hard could it be to find one four hundred year old book? Emm…yeah… If there was a book in that library that was under a century old I would be surprised.

Next thing I know I hear footsteps behind me. When I turned around I saw Sarah. Let me tell you Dean, you would have been in real trouble. Long red hair, emerald eyes and a body that could stop traffic. Yup, right up your alley. And her voice…I know it's a tool of the trade but damn, every word out of her mouth felt like it went straight to my…anyway… As soon as she started talking I knew what I was dealing with.

She tried every trick in the book to get me to come to her and when I didn't the real fun started. She was fast…real fast. Before I could even get the knife out she was on me. Somehow during the ensuing fight she managed to put a few new furrows into my back with her claws. (By the way, reason five hundred and sixty-two to get you out of there: It's impossible to give myself stitches in the back.) She had me pinned on the floor before I knew what happened. I knew my only option was to try to get the exorcism spell out but as soon as I started she changed tactics.

She knew who I was Dean. More than that, she knew who you were. She told me that she knew where you were…what you were going through…what they were doing to you. She said… she said that they were flaying the skin off of you inch by inch, and when they finished they would heal you and start all over again. She told me that they took turns coming up with new ways to torture you. That they'd make bets on who could make you beg for mercy first. Dean… God…please tell me she was just trying to get to me. The things she said, they can't be true…they just can't be…

I started to struggle against her and it just pissed her off more. The more I fought the more vile things she "shared" with me. Dean, do you remember when you asked me not to summon Ruby… what you said about our weaknesses? I didn't want to believe you. I wanted to believe that I was stronger than that but…God it's true. I couldn't stand to hear the things she was saying about you. You _are_ my weakness…damn it…you always will be…

But…what she didn't realize, and maybe neither did you, is that even though you are my weakness you're also my greatest strength. The thought of this bitch having the chance to take her turn with you… it was plenty of motivation to get my mind back on business. I started in with the ritual again and the real struggle started. This time it was _her_ trying to get away from _me_. She should have never tried to use you against me Dean. She might have had a chance if she'd tried almost anything else but that one was her downfall. If I couldn't go get you myself I would damn sure see to it that she couldn't.

I got the ritual finished and sent her demon soul where it couldn't ever hurt anyone again. I know… but before you get all high fives and pats on the back there was a little problem. During the struggle she managed to knock over one of the lanterns. Damn it, I'm sorry Dean… the whole place went up like dry kindling. All those old books were as good as pouring gasoline on the place.

I tried to find the Codex… I swear to God I did… but the roof started coming down and I had to get out. I grabbed as many books as I could on my way out but, as it turned out, none of them was the Codex. I'm going to drop off the ones I did get out with Bobby. Maybe he can find something in one of them to help.

It's been five days since I lost you. Five days since I was able to sleep without dreaming of you…suffering…because of me. Five days since I've been able to close my eyes without seeing you there on that floor…without hearing your screams. Five days since I last saw you smile or heard you laugh. Five days since I was able to tell you… I love you Dean.

Please stay strong…I'm coming for you…I swear,

Sammy

**A/N: Just a quick note…if you haven't ever watched Monty Python's Holy Grail then go rent it. Then tell me if you don't think Dean would have been a huge fan! :P**


	6. Day 6

**A/N: The usual *Cyberhugs* and cookies to you faithful readers who keep coming back for more punishment. I look forward to your comments/reviews! Thanks for taking the time to leave them!**

**Disclaimer: Although I am fully responsible for the abuse that I am putting poor Sam through, sadly, I have no ownership of him or his brother...I don't even own an Impala. *sigh*  
**

Dean,

I made a quick side trip on the way back to Bobby's to drop off the books. I knew there was another crossroads about a hundred miles south of Ogdensburg so I had to at least go there and try to work something out. I spent the drive trying to come up with different options of things I could offer in exchange for getting you out of the pit…

The thing is Dean, there isn't anything I can offer that will get any crossroads demon to deal with me. When this one refused I got pissed…I pulled Ruby's knife and tried to force the bitch to cut a deal. She finally told me what was going on. She told me why my continued attempts to cut a new deal were doomed to fail no matter how many demons I approached…

Lillith. It all comes back to Lillith. They are all afraid of her. She still holds your contract and as long as she is around no one will cross her. I don't know what kind of power she holds over them but they are scared. What the hell kind of punishment could you threaten a demon with?

Dean, I know you don't want to hear this, and there is nothing I can do about it now but… I wish you had let Ruby help us. She said she could teach me a way to beat Lillith. I know you never trusted her but, honestly, she never lied to me. Everything she ever told me turned out to be true. Ok, so she may not have been completely up front about everything but, hell, she is a demon.

It's just that…maybe if she had told me what I needed to do I could have stopped this from happening. She said that Lillith is afraid of me. Me! I don't know why but I believe her. I haven't told you this but, after she let the hell hounds in, she tried to take me out too. She did something; I'm not sure what… all I know is there was a bright white light and when it faded we were both still there, face to face. I'd swear she was as surprised to see me still there as I was.

Dean, if her power wouldn't work on me then maybe Ruby was right. Maybe something about the demon blood inside of me is protecting me. Maybe I really do have a chance of taking her out. I think that if I can kill her…then the crossroads demons will deal. Without the threat of what Lillith would do I'm sure I could get them to bargain with me. Hell, I'd kill her even if it wouldn't get them to deal; payback alone is reason enough to take her out.

Ok… I know what you are thinking. No, I won't rethink this. No, I won't forget it; it's not a stupid idea! I can do this Dean! I need to do this. Yeah, it would help if I had a clue what it was that Ruby wanted to teach me but maybe, by the time I locate Lillith I'll have a better idea. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I won't go rushing in without a plan. I know there is a risk that whatever I try won't work…but it's worth that risk Dean.

I've known since the trials that I have the potential to do more than just have visions. Hell, Jake as much as proved that fact when he tried to get Ellen to kill herself. He didn't have that ability to start with. He had to have learned it after our encounter. Maybe I can teach myself how to use that ability.

If I'm immune to Lillith's power then maybe I can use something like that compulsion to hold her while I exorcize her. I'm going to do some more research tonight to see if I can find any other possibilities for psychic power to try. I'm sure I can do this; I just have to learn to control it.

I've already got the word out that I'm looking for Lillith. Unless she's in hiding I figure it shouldn't take long for some evil bastard to let her know I'm hunting her. I'm hoping that she will be conceited enough to believe that her failure was a onetime thing… some strange glitch in her power maybe. But, I have the feeling that she isn't quite that stupid.

If she knows that I'm immune to her powers, if I really am, then she isn't going to make it easy for me to find her. I don't know, maybe I can find another demon to teach me whatever it is that Ruby knew. She couldn't be the only demon who would have the information. Yes, it would be easier to have her here giving me the training willingly than to try to trap another demon into doing it but what choice do I have? Lillith made it pretty clear that Ruby was gone. Somehow I didn't get the impression that she was sent on a Caribbean cruise.

I know you don't want me messing with these powers. I get that Dean, I do but, if there is a chance that I can save you then I have to try. I know you are worried about me. You don't think I can handle it but I can. I'm stronger than you think. Well…maybe not stronger, but when it comes to you I'm not willing to ignore any possibility. To get you out of there I'd come down to Hell myself if I could find a way. No… don't get bent out of shape, I won't try that… unless I have no other options.

Bobby's downstairs right now looking through the books I brought him. I'm hoping he can find a lead by morning. Any lead would be a start. I have to get out of here tomorrow. I know he wants me to stay for awhile. I know he's worried about me but… If he can't find anything by morning I'll head back to New Harmony. Maybe I can pick up her trail from there.

I can't stay here Dean. It's just too much too soon. There are too damn many memories here. I can barely stand to be in this room right now. I swear I can hear your voice, singing off key as usual, coming from the bathroom. I know that we agreed that leaving some spare things here would be a good idea, as much as we end up here… but… when I opened the closet tonight and saw your clothes hanging there... God, it was like someone took a knife and slammed it into my heart. I keep expecting you to walk in any second. God, I can't even go into the bathroom without seeing your shaving cream on the sink.

I think tonight's going to be a full bottle night. I don't think I can get into that bed and try to sleep without numbing myself up first. It seems so much bigger somehow without you here trying to shove me off the other side. I know…I know… I'm trying not to make a habit of it but please understand. Its drink or scream and I can't do that to Bobby. He's dealing with his own pain, he tries to hide it, tries to put up a tough front, for my sake I'm sure. It's just one more reason why I have to get out of here. I can see it each time I look in his eyes… he tries to act supportive but I can see that he doesn't believe…he doesn't think I can do this…doesn't think you are coming back.

It's ok though. I understand. Hell, I'd probably feel the same way if I was him. But, I'm your brother, he's not. He may be family but you and I… we are so much more than that. He can't be expected to understand the lengths that we would go to for each other. To hell and back, right? That's what we always said…no one would come between us… we would go to hell and back for each other. I guess I just never expected you to take it so literally…

I thought maybe this would get easier as time passed… being alone… not having you here. But, if anything… it's getting harder. I don't think this is something that will just go away Dean. The cracks are just getting bigger and it's getting harder to hold everything together without you here. Don't ever doubt that I will find a way to fix this. There is an answer; I just have to find it…

Thinking of you… always… every moment of every day,

Sam


	7. Day 7 One Week Alone

**A/N: It's me again! So we have made it to the one week mark. For awhile there I wasn't sure Sam was going to make it till today but he's tougher than he looks! Thanks again to those of you who have been so fabulous and generous in your comments/reviews. Finding a new review waiting for me just makes me itch to get back into Sam's head and find out what happens next so keep them coming!**

**Disclaimer: Even though it's true in my dreams...still don't own the boys or their world of Supernatural wonder. **

Dee,

I tried but I just couldn't make myself stay at Bobby's last night. I thought I could talk to him about my idea, about trying to find a way to learn to use whatever power this is that I'm carrying around. Let's just say he wasn't too keen on the idea. If I didn't know better I'd think he was channeling you or something. Knowing you, you probably had him agree to some damn "dying request" to keep me from doing this. I wouldn't put it past you…

When he wouldn't agree to help me I guess I got kind of pissed off. I just couldn't believe that he couldn't see why I had to do this. And he couldn't see why I wouldn't leave it alone. Needless to say, it ended in a pretty major shouting match. I was just so angry… I ended up grabbing my stuff and storming out.

Since I was too wound up to sleep at that point I figured I'd just get a jump on the drive back to Indiana. Got in early this morning and grabbed a room at the same motel we stayed in a week ago… was it really only a week ago it sure as hell feels like an eternity? After a few hours I gave up on the concept of sleep and decided to do some recon.

It didn't take long to find out that I probably wouldn't have any problems trying to get back into the house. The family that lived there…what was left of the family that lived there had walked on the place. Can't say I blame them. I would never have been able to have gone back to living in the same apartment that Jess had died in, even if it hadn't been pretty much destroyed.

No one is really questioning their disappearing act. After the mass possession that went on in the neighborhood that night I don't think any of the neighbors really want to think too closely about it. The local hospital had a rash of burn victims the next morning but they must have come up with some cover story because there doesn't seem to have been any investigation into the incident.

I hate that so many innocent people got hurt that night. I know that it could have been worse, Bobby probably saved a lot of lives with that sprinkler trick but still… Lillith has a lot to pay for. What she did to us…to them… God only knows who she's out there torturing right now…

I waited till dark to go back to the house, easier to get in without being noticed if you are picking locks in the dark. The place was exactly as we left it. The bodies were gone of course; Bobby and I took care of them before we left. Standard salt and burn, just to be safe. The family evidently didn't take the time for any clean up, looks like they just grabbed what they could carry and took off.

Dean…going back into that house…it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I never imagined that it could hurt this much. I avoided the dining room for awhile. I just didn't have the strength to face that room right away. Instead I started upstairs.

I thought maybe I'd get lucky and find some indication of Lillith's plans, maybe in the little girl's room. According to the father she had been in the house for almost a week before we got here. She took her time playing with them. The babysitter lasted two days before she finally had enough and tried to leave. That was her last mistake.

We just missed out on saving the Grandfather. I guess he thought that maybe he could get some help from outside. He tried to slip a note to a neighbor. What he didn't know was that Lillith's troops were already in place. Pretty much every adult in a two square block radius was under the influence of one of her demons. When "the neighbor" reported back to Lillith she made an example of the old man. She killed him only hours before we got there.

I tore the bedroom apart looking for any little clue I could find. I wish I could tell you that she left some master plan behind but there wasn't anything. I don't think she was actually planning on leaving so soon. I guess we threw a monkey wrench in her vacation plans.

I tried the parent's room as well. Nothing in there but some scattered clothes and empty drawers. I guess I should be thankful that we at least showed up in time to save them. They can take their little girl somewhere far from here and try to start over. Maybe in time she will even be ok…she was pretty messed up after so much time as a prisoner in her own mind. I gave them my cell number before we left in case they ever needed help. I don't know if Lillith has any way to track them after being in possession of that girl for so long.

I finally had to face the fact that I wasn't finding anything here to help me figure out where the bitch might have gone. I thought about just leaving…going back to the motel and trying to figure out where to go from there. It really wouldn't do me any good to go back in that dining room. But, I knew I couldn't leave without facing it.

It was like someone had taken a picture and froze the room in time. Not a damn thing was different. The dust lines were still scattered right where you had poured them. When I walked in, for just a second, I could still see you there… on the floor.

I walked over to where your blood still stained the wood. I felt compelled to be close to that spot. I had to touch the only piece of you that was left. I sat down on the floor and just placed my hand on that horrible stain. I don't know how long I just sat there like that…touching that place…touching you… In some strange way it comforted me to be there. It was like, for just that little bit of time, you were there with me.

I wonder if you could hear me…I wonder if you knew that I was there, talking to you? I hope so…I really do. It's nice to think you may have been able to hear the things I had to tell you, the things you wouldn't let me say when I had the chance. I thought I never wanted to see that room again but once I was there I couldn't stand the thought of leaving it…leaving you…again.

I might have stayed there all night if it wasn't for that damn clock. Before I even realized it the thing started chiming midnight. When I heard that final chime something inside of me woke up…something I wish had remained asleep. When I realized that one week ago…at that moment…at that second…I had failed to keep my promise I lost the control that I hadn't even realized I had been holding onto. It all came out then, the anger, the frustration, the fear and the complete and total feeling of grief. I didn't know what else to do I thought it would tear me up if I didn't let it out so I just let it all wash over me.

I honestly don't know what happened then. I just let the feelings take over. The next thing I remember I was sitting on the floor in the corner of the room. The place looked like a tornado had come through and my hands were bruised and torn open. It was obvious that there had been tears mixed with the anger. My eyes were swollen from crying. I've never lost it like that before Dean… it scared me. I just thank God I was alone and there wasn't anyone there to get hurt.

Once I thought I had control of myself again I did some quick first aid on my hands, I wouldn't want to get blood in your baby…and headed back to the motel. I wasn't sure if I should tell you this next part but… I didn't go back to the motel alone. It's not what you think. When I opened the front door to leave the house she was just standing there… like she had been waiting for me. I guess she probably was.

She looked different of course. Her last vessel wasn't exactly in any shape to re-inhabit. Even with the dark hair and dark eyes I just knew, immediately, that it was her. The confirmation came when she smiled at me and said, "Heya Sam…how's tricks…you didn't lose my knife I hope? "

I know Dean… I know you don't trust her. I know she's a demon. I'm not stupid. I know if you were here right now you would be the first to use her own knife on her but…she may be my only chance. She's willing to help me. She says she wants revenge on Lillith but, if you ask me, she's afraid. I think she figures I'm her best bet…that she can use me as a weapon to get rid of Lillith… and that's ok too, because I'm more than willing to let her use me for that purpose. I swear to you, the first time she double crosses me I'll take her out…but I won't lie to you…I'm praying that she's on the up and up.

So tomorrow we start the lessons. I'm not sure just what that means or what will be required and I don't really care. All I care about is the fact that I'm getting closer to finding a way to take down Lillith and that means I'm getting closer to a way to get you back. I never expected to see her again… I thought that Lillith had pretty much destroyed her and I never thought I would say I was happy to see a demon but… Ruby may be your salvation… my salvation.

I swear I'll be careful so please don't worry…

Sammy


	8. Day 15

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in updates... R/L and too many minor plot bunnies have been running away with my time. Thanks for hanging in there! Love to all of you who continue to follow the story and provide encouraging feedback! *Huggs***

**Disclaimer: Kripke's sandbox, just building my own castles with the boys. **

Dean,

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since my last letter. Please don't think it means I wasn't thinking of you every moment of every day…I've just been beyond exhausted. That and, well, I'm just not sure how much I should tell you about what's going on. I'm not sure how much you would really want to know.

I've decided, at least for now, to tell you everything. I don't think you would be too upset (well except for the whole working with a demon thing) and I've never lied to you before Dean…I don't want to start now. Each day that goes by she earns a little more of my trust. I know how you feel about her but really…she is teaching me things I'd never have been able to learn on my own.

God, where do I even start to explain what we have been doing? Better question, how do I explain it? I wish you were here. I know if you could just see the progress we have been making you would understand how important this is…to both of us. I can't change who I am Dean, what I am… but with Ruby's help I'm learning to use what I am to help people…to help you.

I'm not saying that I've perfected any of this, far from it sadly. But what I have learned is just the tip of the iceberg. Ruby thinks I'm making excellent progress. She seems to think that I have potential for some really powerful stuff. But it still feels like it's taking way too long. I'm nowhere strong enough to go after Lillith…yet.

I'm sorry Dean… I'm trying to do this as quickly as I can. I kept trying to push Ruby to teach me more, faster, but I learned that doing that is not exactly the best idea. After she finally relented and let me try to take on what I thought I could handle I ended up spending two days in bed with a blinding headache while she spent two days trying (and not quite succeeding) to not tell me "I told you so".

Anyway, sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. I don't want you freaking out about the headache thing. It comes with the territory when you use these kinds of powers I guess. It really isn't that bad, usually… And it wasn't her fault. You know that I can be pretty damn stubborn when I want to be (runs in the family) and she did warn me.

So what exactly are we doing? I know this is going to sound weird but, now that I'm trying to explain it, it doesn't sound that impressive after all. The first few days were just lessons in concentration. You remember when Dad used to take us out to the woods and have us practice "being still" so we could hear everything around us? You used to hate to have to sit there, always so impatient to be off _doing_ something. Well, it's kind of like that but more intense.

See, in order to use this, let's just call it power for lack of better term, I have to first be able to tap into it. That's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I mean, isn't it just a part of me? Shouldn't I just be able to do it? You would think so but really, think about it, if you had to tell someone how to breathe, I mean really how…like how to expand their lungs and make the oxygen cleanse the blood, do you think you could do it? And yet, we breathe constantly without even thinking about it. Ruby says it's a lot like that. I have to learn the mechanics now but eventually it will be as unconscious an act as breathing.

I guess a better comparison for you would be driving… I mean, you had to learn how to drive at some point. Dad taught you the mechanics, what the gas pedal was for, how to brake, when to shift and all of the little things that go along with it. You drive more than probably anyone in the world, you're practically married to the Impala, so let me ask you a question. When was the last time you thought to yourself, "I want to speed up now, I better press the gas pedal"? That's exactly what this is like.

Learning to concentrate was really difficult at first. I can't say my mind has exactly been in a meditative place lately. I would spend hours just sitting and trying to feel the part of myself that was this power. I know it doesn't sound like it but the process was exhausting. I would be focusing so hard on trying to do what Ruby told me that I wouldn't even realize that I'd been at it for six or seven hours until she made me take a break.

The hardest part was just learning to identify the power. No one can tell you what it will feel like within yourself. It's different for everyone I guess. I just had to work through all of the different inputs my mind was locating, one at a time, until I found it. For me… hmm… I don't know if I can describe it to you. If I close my eyes right now I can find it…it's cold somehow but not physically…I knew it the second I found it… it was… alien. Damn it, I don't think I can put it into words.

After I had finally gotten to a point where I could find that power without too much effort (it's never really easy) it was time to move on to the next lesson. For the last three days I've been working on "feeling" the demon Ruby inside of her host. I'm getting better at it, but I think that might just be because we are spending so much time together that it's becoming easier for me to recognize her. I'm not sure I'd do so good separating the essence from the demon in a different host yet.

I know what you are thinking, what the hell good is this going to do? It's not like I can spend my whole day "feeling" out people everywhere we go to try to use like some kind of "demon radar" or something. You're right about that. The effort alone would probably be enough to put me into a coma or something. The point of this whole exercise is that…given time and training… I can use that ability to separate the demon from the host.

Ruby thinks that she can teach me to expel a demon from its host without hurting the host. It's not a spell or a ritual or anything… it's just something that I can "do". Or it might be if I keep learning. She even thinks I have the potential to not only separate the demon but to destroy it…permanently. If this is true then I can go after Lillith! I can kill her…no matter what host she tries to use… and then, maybe, someone will work with me to get you out of there.

I know there are a lot of "ifs" in this plan but it's the only one I have. Bobby hasn't been able to find any new leads and it's gotten to the point where I can't even talk to him anymore. I can't tell him what I'm doing with Ruby…he'd go ballistic…so I'm just staying away. From him… from everyone… until I can fix this. He'll understand once I use what I learn to get you back. He won't be able to stay pissed off at me then.

It's really late. Ruby didn't want me to take the time to write this but, needless to say, I won that argument. She thinks I should be sleeping, recharging. She has reason to worry. Tomorrow we head out of here. It's time to find another demon to test this out on. I have to find out if I can feel the difference when it's not Ruby. She has a lead on some lower level demons that have been holed up outside of Jacksonville so we are heading south in the morning.

God…I really hope I can do this. It's nice to be with someone, not alone all the time…even if it is a demon…but… It's not the same Dean. No one can take your place. I'm not sure I can trust my own instincts. I've always relied on having you to catch me if I fall. I need you back here to catch me… Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm putting on blinders on purpose, being reckless and taking risks that you would have never allowed me to take.

I guess, somewhere deep inside I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to do this alone. I'm bound to fail at this…what am I doing anyway? Thinking I can take on the demon bitch from hell all alone…when you couldn't stop her… and you have always been so much stronger than me. I think that deep down I figure that maybe, if I screw this up it will land me there with you. I'd give anything right now to be there with you.

Yeah, yeah, don't go getting all "big brother" on me. I know. Plan A: Get Dean OUT of Hell, is the one you want me to stick with. I'll leave joining you there as Plan B…err…Plan Z? Better? Seriously though… I still can't believe how much I miss you. It's like a constant ache in my heart that I can't get rid of…don't want to get rid of. Stay strong, please… I'm praying for the strength to get this done quickly… Damn… do you think it's blasphemy to pray with a demon in the room?

I'm always with you, heart and soul, just close your eyes and I will be there…

Sam


	9. One Month

**Disclaimer: Kripke's sandbox, just building my own castles with the boys. **

D,

I'm sorry. That's really all I wanted to say. I'm sorry…

I'm sorry that it has been so long since I've taken the time to write to you. Things have been so crazy…but in a good way. I've been practicing what I've learned so far each day for part of the day then spending the rest of the time working with Ruby to expand on what I've already learned. We managed to snatch up a lower level demon a couple of weeks ago and used him for a week of practice.

I'd feel bad about the things we did to him if I hadn't already known what he had done to the person he had pushed out of the vessel he was using. There really isn't anything I could do to him that would be apt punishment…yet. I won't tell you the details but, take it from me, you wouldn't be upset if I had set him on fire and made him dance while he burned.

He was only the first in a line of lower level demons that we have managed to take out of the picture while my lessons, and my power, increase. It's been worth it though. I have mastered the ability to reach that part of me that controls this…thing. I barely even have to think about it now. I just think about what I want to do and the power comes…almost too easily.

I've also mastered the trick of picking out the demon from the essence of the host. This last one I was able to identify without Ruby's help at all. Tomorrow she wants to start on the process of separating the two of them. Seeing if I can "push" the demon out without harming the host. If I can do that… well, imagine how many innocent people we could help.

I'm sorry that this is taking so long. I never thought it would. I always thought I'd find a way to get you out of there so quickly…I was wrong. I can't even begin to imagine what this is like for you, what you are going through. Just know that I haven't given up on you Dean. I would never give up on you. Everything I do is for you.

I realized today that it has been a whole month since I lost you. A whole month… How can that be? How can I still be functioning and moving through each day without you? Do you know how much time has passed? Does it feel like hours...days…years to you? God, I can only pray that there is some strange time anomaly that makes this seem so much shorter for you. I've asked Ruby but she keeps telling me she doesn't know…I'm pretty sure she's lying. That only makes me think the worst…

I'm sorry for being weak. I felt so lost today when I saw that it was the anniversary of… well, I guess I kind of lost it for a little while. I hate myself for not knowing that it had been so long. I should be feeling every second of you being gone not having days pass by without even realizing it. I wanted to do something…anything…to just, I don't even know what I wanted to do… but it must have been bad… I sure as hell scared Ruby…

I'm sorry…for doing the one thing that I swore I would never do…the one thing I don't know if you can forgive… I was just so hurt, so lost. I didn't even realize what I was doing until it was over. I never meant for it to happen, you have to believe that Dean. If nothing else, please believe that. She was concerned about me… afraid of what I might do. It had just been so damn long since anyone…since you…cared about me… I don't think she even meant for it to happen…it just did…

There is no excuse I could make that would make this right. I know that. I know that what we did was wrong…on so many levels I can't even begin to list them. I can't stand the thought of what you will think about me when you find out. What kind of person am I? I don't even know anymore. How could I touch her…be with her… like that… when she is no better than the bastards that are probably torturing you right now? I don't love her. I can't. I don't… I just… I needed…she was… Damn it! How will I ever be able to look you in the eyes again?

I'm sorry. That's really all I wanted to say…all I can say... I'm sorry.

Please forgive me…

Sammy


	10. Day 49

**A/N: If you are enjoying the story send some love over to gwennie3579. I got side tracked on some original fiction I was working on and reading her fabulous stories motivated me to get this chapter written and posted!**

**Disclaimer: As always, if wishes were fishes… don't own 'em but love to play with them.**

Dean,

I don't understand. I really don't. What the fuck dude? I should be able to do this. I mean, what's the point of having this damn demon blood in my veins if I can't even use it to get you out of there? Ruby keeps telling me to be patient but screw that! I'm sick of being patient. I'm sick of trying and failing. I'm sick of being alone but most of all I'm sick of letting you down… constantly.

I'm trying as hard as I can to do this but it just won't work. I can feel the difference between them, I can, but when I try to force the demon out it just doesn't work. I know I should try to stay calm, I know that Ruby says being calm will help me to control this but how the hell can I stay calm when every second that passes is one more second that you are stuck there…doing God only knows what.

I just don't think I'm strong enough. If I was this would have worked by now. I really believed that, with everything we've done…everything we've sacrificed, something was going to have to go our way for once. Apparently, I was wrong… again. Shouldn't really surprise me I guess. Not like anything has ever gone our way in the past.

I'm seriously starting to get why you refuse to believe in God. I mean, what kind of a God would do this to you…to us? It wasn't bad enough to lose mom? I never even got the chance to know her. Then He took Dad away from us just when I was starting to find my way with him. And now you. I could live without Mom…the sad part is, since I never knew her it's hard for me to miss her, well , not like you do anyway. I could even live without Dad. I've come to terms with our relationship. I miss him but I know that he gave up his life for you and, believe me, I can totally understand that, I would do the same thing if I could find a way.

But this is just too damn much. How can He keep asking for more and more from us and never give us anything in return? How am I supposed to go on, every day, praying to a God that would do this? Maybe it's time I faced the facts…maybe you've been right this whole time. Maybe…just maybe, there isn't any God up there watching over what's going on down here. I used to think it was all a test, I understood that being tested involved some loss… some pain… but not anymore. If there _is_ a God… and this _is_ a test… then He can just shove it. I'm done playing His game.

I think it's time I started a new game, with new rules… my rules. And rule Number One is this: Sam will do anything, _anything_, to get Dean back and fuck the consequences. I'm not worrying anymore about doing the right thing or being the good guy in this fight. It's time to accept the fact that there is no good and evil… there's only us and them and I intend to make sure there _is_ an _us_ again.

Ruby has offered me another possibility that may make this work. I've been refusing on the basis that it's wrong… it's not something a good person would do…it's evil… But, ya know what, that's all bullshit. Nothing that will get you out of there can be evil in my book and I'm tired of fighting against something on the sole basis of whether or not Dad (or you) would approve of my methods. I have to start making decisions based on my own ethics and my own morals and my principles tell me that if there is even the slightest chance that it will help you then there is no argument in the world that should stop me.

I mean, really… it's not like Dad asked us before he made his deal to save you. And you sure as _hell_ didn't take my feelings into consideration before you ran off half-cocked to sell _your_ soul, did you? So why the hell am I so damned worried about what you would think? So what if you're pissed about my methods? At least you would be here to be pissed at me. I can live with that. I can't live with this…not with you being gone…not because of me. God…it's just eating me up inside to know that, if I hadn't screwed up you would still be here…

Damn you Dean… why do I have this irresistible need to make you proud of me? Why does it kill me to know that if I do this…this thing that Ruby is offering…that you will not just be disappointed in me? I know that if I do this I run the risk of you hating me…_really_ hating me and the thought of that breaks something inside of me. I feel like I'm trapped and there is no real way out. I can leave you there and know that you are suffering but that you love me…yeah, I know you love me, I've always known it, even if it was too "girly" for you to say it. Or, I can do this and maybe get you out and risk losing you all over again but at least I'd know that you are alive and safe again.

I hate you for putting me in this position Dean. I know I shouldn't say that…I hate myself even more for feeling it, but it's the truth. Not only am I at risk of losing you but…I'm at risk of losing me. I'm not stupid. I know what she's offering me. I know what the possible side effects are. Even if it works, even if I get you out of there and you don't end up hating me…will there be enough of "me" left to care? I know that Dad was afraid of what I might become. I know that you are afraid, no matter how much you tried to hide it… The truth is so am I.

While you were here with me I had a chance, a real chance, to stay grounded, to stay me. But you _aren't_ here Dean. I know that doing this is tempting fate. I know that I'm just throwing open the door and inviting in the opportunity for my darker side to take over. But really, what choice do I have? Without you here I don't really have any reason to care whether or not it happens anyway. Without you it's going to happen…I won't be able to fight it alone…so I might as well take the chance, no matter how small, that it will work and this will get you out of there.

So that's it I guess. I'm going to do this. There really never was any doubt was there? The moment she offered she knew I'd give in…eventually. And yes, I know she's playing me… I know that there is something in this for her but honestly Dean, I'm so damned tired I just don't care anymore. I'm going to do this, not because she wants me to, or because I want to, but because I _have_ to. I really hope you understand that I have to…

No matter what happens…remember that I did this for you… that everything I ever did was for you…I love you big brother. No regrets. I'm sorry that I've disappointed you. All I can do now is try and hope… Hope that it works… Hope that you understand… Hope that you forgive me… Hope that you will still love me when this is over…

Sammy


	11. Day 68

**A/N: Ok ya'll...this one was hard...I really wanted to do this subject matter the justice it deserved so I'm hoping you guys like it. Comments, as always, are appreciated. **

D,

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about this journal. Thinking about whether or not I would ever let you read it. I've picked it up a million times thinking to burn it but, somehow, I just can't seem to make myself do that. I still don't know if I will ever be able to give it to you, to let you see me for who I was while you were gone but… I know I have to finish this. I think it may be the only thing keeping me sane…keeping me connected to you.

I know I haven't written in a long time. It's not that I didn't want too…God, I'm just so afraid of what you will do when you find out about all of this. How can I put down on paper the things I've been doing? I guess I thought that maybe, if I didn't write this down, then it wouldn't be real. If there was no permanent record of the details of my shame then somehow I could pretend it never happened. I try to tell myself that it's not wrong, that it's for the greater good but… somewhere, deep inside, I know that's just an excuse. I know there is more to it than that now.

I should have never given in to her. You were right…I know that. I'm not strong enough for this. Even if it works I'm not sure if I can ever go back to being what I was…who I was after this. I feel so… damn… I don't even know a word that would really tell you how I feel… I guess tainted is about as close as I can get. I feel as if I will never be clean again…never be the person I was…the person you loved.

That first time was…hell it was amazing. I'm not going to lie to you. If I'm going to do this I have to do it right, tell you everything. If I'm being completely truthful it's still amazing. The best feeling I've ever known in my life. That should have been the first clue as to how dangerous this really was.

I had been preparing myself all day to do it. I knew the details, what was involved, it sounded disgusting but I had pretty much run out of other options. That evening, she opened a vein for me. Seeing her sitting there on that bed…blood dripping from her wrist… I thought about backing out of it. I didn't think I could go through with it.

But when she held that wrist out to me… and she told me… she promised me that this would work. That by doing this I would truly become strong enough to take out Lillith. That by doing this I would finally have the strength to make them give you back to me… yeah, she knew all the right buttons to push.

God Dean, I can't begin to describe to you the feeling that hit me when I took that first taste of her blood. It was like a white hot fire rushing through my body. It burned but at the same time it felt so damn good. It was like I had finally found something that made me feel totally and completely alive, for the first time. The fire melted all of my doubts, I could feel my body respond to that heat and I was truly helpless to fight it.

I don't know if it's the demon blood already inside of me that called out for more or if there was some sick part of me that was actually enjoying the degradation of sucking the blood from her body… I don't think I ever want to know which it was…it is. All I knew is that I wanted more. I needed more.

I could feel my blood racing through me. I felt as if I could feel every part of myself in a way I never had… like I could feel the air inside of me with each breath, feel the synapses flaring in my brain with each thought… I swear I could feel each individual hair on my body stand up as the power from her blood flooded through me. I guess now I know what it feels like to do heroin. I understand how someone can become addicted to that feeling…

She knew the whole time. She knew what it would do to me. She knew how it would affect me. She let me drink until I'd had enough…enough to make me burn with the power… enough to make me revel in the pleasure… enough to make me want more. And then, when she knew she had me… she took it away.

I think I went a little mad that night. God, I hope I did… I was so hopped up on the high that I didn't really remember how to think. I just felt…and wanted…and needed. And she was there, waiting for me, knowing what would come next. She didn't fight when I shoved her back on the bed. I think she was actually laughing when I forced myself into her mouth… exploring her while the metallic taste of her blood was still on my tongue.

I'm not going to go into the details… I don't like to even remember them myself but there is something intricately linked between the taking of that blood and sex. It's almost as if I can't do one without the other. Believe me, I've tried but it always ends up the same. No matter how hard I fight against it…

Here's the thing Dean… I can't seem to stop. I find myself craving the taste, the rush…everything. I know this is bad. I know it gives her power over me but I can't stop. Yeah, she was telling the truth about one thing, it has made me more powerful. I can do things now that I never could before but still… I can keep trying to tell myself that I'm doing this for you, and in a way it's true, but it's not the whole truth. I keep doing it because I don't have a choice any longer… I'm addicted…I need it…

Please Dean… I need you back… I need you to understand… I need you to help me through this. You always said it was your job to protect me and, God knows, I need that protection now. I'm in over my head and I need my big brother to come to the rescue…like he always has. I need you to save me…from myself.

Please… I'm afraid…

Sammy


	12. Day 103

**A/N: I believe we are getting close to the end of this journey. One, maybe two, more chapters and the journal (as I've come to think of it) will be complete. I'd like to take the time to thank all of you who have stuck with me on this story, special thanks to those who have been encouraging and provided such lovely feedback. I wouldn't have stuck with it without you guys!**

**Disclaimers: As usual…Kripke's sandbox…just building my own little castles…**

Dean,

I thought I had been prepared to handle this. I thought I'd lived through it already and had a better grip on what this would be like. But, it doesn't seem to matter, every day that passes leads me further down a path that I'm starting to believe I won't be able to come back from. Each day that passes takes me one day further away from you. Each day eats away my hope that I will be able to get you back and I'm just not sure I can live with that.

Do you remember what happened at the Mystery Spot? I guess that's a dumb question, you didn't experience it like I did. I never told you the whole story, never told you about Wednesday. I couldn't tell you, I didn't want to accept what had happened, who I had become. Damn it, I'm getting ahead of myself again. I'm sorry if this is confusing, I keep forgetting that you weren't there…not really for the worst of it.

I told you how the Trickster put us into a time loop. I told you what happened every day. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Having to start each day knowing, just knowing, that I would lose you at some point and not be able to do anything about it was what I imagine my Hell would be like. Seeing you die, over and over, and being helpless to stop it. If…who am I kidding, when I go to Hell there won't be any worse torture that they can do to me than what I lived through in that loop.

I know…you know what happened but…here's the thing…it didn't stop there. Yes, we found the Trickster and, yes, he promised to stop the loop. Actually, he kept the promise. I should have been more careful in what I asked for. I should have known better than to leave it so open ended. What I never told you was that on Wednesday…you died…again. And again, I couldn't stop it. The difference was that this time I didn't wake up. This time there was no "do over". No loop. No way to take it back. You were gone and this time it was real.

I've been thinking about that time a lot lately. When I lost you that day, when I knew you weren't coming back, something inside of me died with you. I think I stopped wanting to live myself but I couldn't just kill myself. So I got reckless. I took on jobs that no one else would touch and I did them alone. I came close to getting killed more times than I'd like to admit but, no matter how reckless I was, I survived. I cut myself off from everyone that might have helped me and went on a rampage.

When my version of assisted suicide didn't work I became obsessed with finding the Trickster. I'm not sure what I thought I'd do when I found him but I knew I had to. Either he was going to fix this, bring you back, or he was going to die for taking you away…and then maybe I could die too. It took a long time but I found him. Obviously, since you don't remember any of this and you lived through that Wednesday.

Actually, it was more that he found me then the other way around. Bobby called me. He left a message saying he had found the Trickster and told me where to meet him. Only, when I got there, it wasn't really Bobby. It was all some kind of sick test. The Trickster had set the whole thing up. He wanted to see how far I'd fallen and whether or not I'd learned anything from losing you. I did, but I don't think it was what he wanted me to learn. I learned that I can't be trusted to do this alone. I learned that without you there I had no reason not to let my darker nature take over. I learned…that I need you.

When I finally cornered him he told me something that I wasn't ready to hear then. He told me that the whole experience, the loop, losing you again once the loop stopped; everything was to teach me a lesson. He told me…he told me that you were my weakness Dean. That you were the chink in the armor that the demons would exploit. That trying to save you was going to be my downfall. I didn't want to believe him then. I still don't but… he was right. You are my weakness. You're still my weakness. I know that Ruby is using that weakness to tighten her hold on me. I know that she's using my desperation to get you back to drag me further into the darkness but…honestly, I don't care.

You may be my weakness Dean but you are also my source of strength and I need that strength now. I'm too far gone now to stop. I tried. I sent her away. I refused to keep doing it. I lasted a whole week before I thought I would go mad. I couldn't live through the withdrawal…not without help…not alone. It was too much, too hard… God Dean… I can't even describe the pain. But worse than that were the hallucinations. I couldn't even tell what was real anymore. I actually believed for awhile that you were back. I thought I'd found a way to get you out…but then you were gone again and my heart broke all over again. So, I gave in, I called her back and I went back to drinking. I think that maybe I could stop…if you were here to help me…but not on my own. I tried…I just…can't.

I thought that after having lived through losing you before I would be able to avoid the mistakes I'd made the first time. I thought I knew enough this time to stay straight and keep going while I worked on getting you back. Of course, I also thought the process of getting you out of there would be so much quicker… I never imagined you would be gone this long. It's been over three months and I still don't think I'm any closer to finding a way out then I was the day they took you. I guess I was wrong about a lot of things…

We have some word on Lillith. She has been gathering demons to her recently. It's almost as if she's building her own personal army. We have been tracking a group of them, hoping that they will lead us to her. I've been following Ruby's plan for long enough. I'm not going to get any stronger than I am right now and it's time to see if everything I've done has been for a purpose or if I've only wasted our time. As soon as we have solid information on where she is hiding out we are going to make our move. Ruby still thinks it's too soon. She still thinks I need more time but…I'm not sure anymore whether she's telling the truth or just trying to keep me on her hook. God I wish you were here…

All I know is this…one way or another we will be together again soon Dean. Either I kill Lillith and get one of her underlings to bring you out of there or… or all of this was for nothing and she kills me. Either way I'll have you back and, at this point, I don't care which way it turns out. I only care that we'll be together again. I know it's not what you want. I know you will be pissed but Dean…you don't know what it's like. You never had to do this…never had to go on knowing that the reason you were alone was your own fault. I'm weak, I admit it, but…let's be honest…do you really think you would have done much better? I was dead for less than a day and you were off selling your soul. It's been three months…I've done everything I can to do what you wanted…to go on without you but I'm tired Dean. I'm tired of feeling this way, alone…afraid…empty…I'm ready for this to be over.

I'll see you soon Dean…promise. One way or another…

Sam


	13. Reunion

**A/N: Well..we are almost there folks… this is Sam's final letter. I really hope I did the story justice and that you all enjoyed it. I will be writing/posting an Epilogue for everyone who asked to know what would happen if/when Dean read these. Thank you again to all the great readers for sticking with me, you guys made this journey worth taking.**

**Disclaimers: Although I have thoroughly tortured him for months now, I have absolutely no ownership of Sam (or his often referred to big brother Dean). Kripke owns them along with my heart. **

Dean,

I think maybe I've gone over the edge this time. Hell, if I have then I don't want to come back. This can't be real. You can't really be here. I've wished for it for so long that it has to be some crazy dream. Even now, with you laying there sleeping I have to keep fighting this desperate urge to reach out and touch you…to make sure you're real.

I can't sleep. I'm afraid that if I close my eyes it will all go away. If I sleep I'll wake up to find you gone again and I just don't think I could live through it again. I don't understand any of this. I have no idea how this happened, even if you don't believe that, after all this time you just show up at my door… How…no, I'm not gonna question this now…I don't need to understand. I only need to know that it's real and that you are home…you're safe and I will never let anyone take you away again.

You say you don't know what happened. You say you don't remember anything from your time there and God, I hope that's true but…right now…I'm listening to you sleep and I know the sounds of a nightmare when I hear one. I know what it's like to relive the worst moments of your life every night in your dreams. I'm praying that that isn't what's happening Dean but, somehow, I don't think you are being completely honest with me. Maybe you are…maybe you're just blocking it all out…I don't know but I know that you can't keep this inside.

If you're trying to protect me I hope that you will see that it's ok. You can tell me, I'm here for you now; it's my turn to be there for you. I'm not going to push you on this; I can see it in your eyes that you don't want to talk right now. I can't say I blame you; I'm not exactly jumping up and down to tell you the details of what I've been doing in your absence either. I can give you all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere, I'll be here when you are ready.

I'm sitting here wondering how to tell you…how to explain everything that has happened and I can't seem to find a way. I can't help but wonder, if you weren't so wrapped up in understanding what was going on and figuring out how you got out…would you notice the difference in me? You could always see right through me. If you looked at me now, I mean really looked at me, would you see what I've been doing? Would you hate me for it?

Now that it's real, now that you're back, I'm so afraid of losing you again. I know I have to tell you everything but I just can't. Not now, not yet, not when I just got you back…I can't risk you leaving me again. All I can do is hope that you will understand that I did everything for you. I will tell you everything, in time…I promise. Just…I just want a little time to be "us" again, time to be brothers, to be family…

While you were gone the nights were unending. It seemed like the hours stretched into days. But, now that you're here I'm praying the night passes slowly. I just want to sit here and watch you sleep…hear you breathe… For the first time in four months I don't feel alone in the darkness. I'd almost forgotten how your presence can fill a room, how just by your being here I'm calmer…I feel… safe again.

But, the night won't last forever. Morning will come soon enough and with it the hard reality that, even though you are back, some things haven't changed. I still need her. I still need what she gives me. I'm an addict, plain and simple. I can't stay away and I can't have her here. I hate to keep things from you, especially now, but I'm not ready to tell you so I have to find some way to get what I need without you finding out.

One thing at a time. I'll figure out how to deal with Ruby tomorrow. We'll find out who got you out of there and why, if for no other reason than for me to thank them… We'll do one more job together, take out Lillith, it has to be done…she can't be allowed to continue whatever this plan of hers is. Then, maybe…we can put the weapons away. Maybe then we can find a nice quiet cabin somewhere on a lake and just forget about all of this. Forget about demons and vampires and all the evil things we've seen and just live for awhile. We deserve that don't we?

We've done more than our share in this war and I think we've earned a little peace. God knows, four months in Hell should have earned you at least that. We started this to complete Dad's mission, to take out Azazel. We did that. There's nothing holding us to this life any longer. We'll finish this mess with Lillith and then we're done. Maybe we can even talk Bobby into coming with us. I'll make you see somehow that we've done enough…

While I've been writing this your sleep hasn't become any more restful. If anything it seems as if that dream is getting worse. I can't stand the thought of you suffering like this… I'm going to wake you up…see if you want to talk about whatever it is that is haunting your dreams. If not, well…then maybe I'll run out and get some coffee and pie and we can sit around and talk like we used to when we were kids and Dad was away…remember those nights? Yeah…I think coffee and pie with my big brother sounds like a little slice of Heaven right about now…

I don't have the words to tell you what it means to me to have you back Dean. I can't begin to tell you how empty I was while you were gone. Maybe someday…maybe I'll be able to give this to you, let you read the letters I've written you. Maybe then you will be able to understand why I did the things I did… I can't begin to know what you went through. I want you to know…I swear to you…I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this up to you. I can never repay what you did for me…but I will make sure you never suffer for me again. I love you more than I can ever tell you…yeah…I know…enough with the chick flick moments, go get you some pie…

I am now…and always will be…

Your Sammy


	14. Epilogue

**A/N: This is the final installment in the series. This one wrote itself and, I'm not ashamed to admit, there were some tears as I finished it. It is set after Swan Song so Spoiler Alert! This story has been difficult to write at times but I am proud and happy to have completed it and I thank each of you that came along for the ride. **

**Disclaimers: I love the boys but they don't belong to me. I just borrow them from time to time to make them dance…or cry…as the case may be…**

He had been at Lisa's house for a week now. Everything still felt so unreal. Each morning he woke up and expected to find himself in some run down motel room. Instead he found himself face to face with this amazing woman who took him in regardless of how broken he was.

He was trying to settle into this new life. He had no real idea how to live like a "normal" person. He did anything he could to keep his mind off of why he was here. He couldn't think about what had happened, not yet… it was too soon… So instead, he spent as much time with Lisa and Ben as he could, hoping to drown out the voices in his head that kept telling him to go back…find a way… get him out…

Today Lisa had gone back to work. He knew that she couldn't stay with him twenty-four hours a day forever. He knew that, at some point, he was going to have to get through on his own. What he hadn't known was just how hard it would be to do that. With nothing here to distract him…no one to talk to…no job and no place to go… He thought he might go crazy sitting alone in the silence.

To keep his mind occupied he decided to do the one thing he had been putting off since he came here. He slowly walked out to the Impala and opened the trunk. There, under the false bottom of the trunk, was the thing he had been avoiding…Sam's pack. Just looking at the worn material of the bag dragged at his heart.

He knew it was time. It was time to go through Sam's things and, at least, box them up and put them away. He knew he couldn't get rid of them but he could at least make sure they were neatly stored…Sam always liked his things to be kept neat and would have been fuming if he'd seen the way Dean had shoved things into the bag as he had packed that day. He took the bag from the trunk and searched the garage for a suitable box. Having found one that he felt would hold all of the items in the pack he walked back into the house to sort through his last pieces of his brother.

There wasn't much there… it was sad really, when he stopped to think about it. Other than his laptop there wasn't much that Sam had felt compelled to hold onto. A few shirts, a couple pairs of jeans, the usual odds and ends… He realized that he was crying when the tears fell on the t-shirt on his lap, leaving wet splotches on the material. All he wanted was to find one thing that was just…Sam… one thing that he could keep…one thing that would always be with him, a piece of his brother…but there was nothing here but socks and razors… until…

In the bottom of the bag he found two items that stopped him cold. The first dragged a broken sob from him as he lifted it from the bag and turned it over and over in his hands. It was his amulet. The same one that Sammy had given him for Christmas so long ago. He should have known when he threw it away that Sam would retrieve it and hold onto it. He probably was waiting for just the right time to give it back, that would be so like Sam…

He slipped the amulet over his head and felt the familiar weight of it against his chest. Something in that weight was comforting. This was something that tied him to his brother more than any other possession in the world possibly could have. He couldn't believe that he had been angry enough to throw it away. He wiped the tears from his eyes as a quiet smile played upon his lips at the thought of Sammy bending down to retrieve it and stash it away in his bag before running out to catch up to him that day.

The second item was a bit more perplexing. It appeared to be a hard cover bound journal. It was the type that he always imagined when young girls talked about writing in their diary. He couldn't for the life of him imagine what his brother would be doing with one. After all, Sam was "high tech geek boy". He didn't need pencil and paper; he had a keyboard and a word processor. He couldn't imagine his brother sitting around writing, actually writing, in a journal. He was slightly hesitant to open it. Would it be a breach of his brother's privacy to read it now?

While he debated whether or not it would be right to read the journal he flipped the pages back and forth. As he did so something caught his eye. At the top of each page, in his brother's neat handwriting, was his name. Curious he opened to a random page and took a closer look. He couldn't believe it when he realized that these were letters…to him… Why would Sammy be writing him letters? It made no sense; he was never more than three feet away from him so what could he possibly have had to say that he would need to write a letter instead of just turning around and telling him? He flipped back to the beginning of the book and began to read.

_Day 1 _

_Dear Dean,_

_ Wow…I just realized how stupid that sounds, "Dear Dean". It's not as if I'm off at camp or something sending home letters to the family. I wish our lives were as mundane as that. Damn…now that I'm sitting here, staring at this blank paper, I'm not really sure where to start…how to start. There was a time in my life when I thought that I had been through the worst pain I could ever suffer. Today proved me wrong._

As he read through the first letter understanding dawned upon him. These were letters his brother had written to him while he was serving his time in Hell. At first he couldn't believe it but, then, as he read further, it all began to make sense. Of course he would write letters like this…what else would he have expected of his little brother? He was sure that Sam wouldn't mind him reading them now…after all, they were written to him…

He wasn't sure how long he sat reading them. He could hear his brother's voice in his head as he read. Each new letter was a window into the person he had left behind…the person who had never given up hope of getting him back… He knew about Ruby. He knew about the demon blood but reading about how it had happened…what it had felt like…the way Sam had suffered, terrified that he was disappointing him…

He realized after reading the final letter that everything that had happened with Lucifer… everything Sam had done…was his way of trying to make it up to him. He understood now why Sammy felt that he had to do it. He knew his brother's sense of right and justice and finally understood why it was so important that he be the one to make this sacrifice. He understood why Sammy had forced him to make this promise…forced him to stop hunting…to try to live the life he had always wanted them to have.

He went back to the beginning and read the letters again. This was a piece of Sam that he had never known and having the opportunity to find this part of him now was a gift. He didn't even care that, somewhere along the line, the tears had started again. He only noticed when an errant drop landed on the page he was reading and started to blur the words. He quickly dried the spot and wiped the tears away. He knew now how he was going to get through this. He knew what to do to keep from going crazy, to keep his promise…

After the last letter he turned the page. He stared at the fresh blank piece of paper for a long time. It wasn't his style, it was so much more Sam than him but, somehow it just felt…right. Unconsciously, he rubbed the amulet that was still lying against his chest. Then, he grabbed the ink pen from the coffee table and began to write…

_Dear Sammy,_

_It's been one week since you took that bastard back to Hell and… I miss you…_


End file.
